Wednesday, September 12, 2012
For the first time in my life, I started thinking about needing life insurance...No Im not selling any, just kinda hit me not to long ago that until Id hit the big five O the thought had never entered my mind. Never occured to me. What kind of chemical imbalances take place in a womans brain/body after fifty? All of the sudden my friends tell me Im dressing like their mother...but then when your my age all your friends are younger anyway, or so it seems. But I digress... Since cutting off my long hair a couple of years ago, Ive made several ventures into the world of color and cuts,(all of which Im sure you can find shamelessly posted on my facebook page.) But within the last year Ive just said screw it, let the grey begin. Begin hell,..its been there...its just that me and Miss Clairol use to be friends. We had a relationship. For a long time. Yes, we'd meet every month at the grocery store, she'd come home with me and we'd have a whole 30 to 35 intimate mineuts (depending on the amount of coverage needed for the grey)in my bathroom together. Then a quick blow job, er, dry and she was off like yesterdays trash till next month. It was to perfect and I knew it had to end some day. But we will always have our facebook pictures to remember the good times eh!? So now I consider myself a calico. Theres some blonde left over from childhood, plenty of grey to remind me every morning when I look in the mirror that the loss of Miss Clairol's friendship has had some consequences...a red hugh that just wont go away no matter how short you cut it off,...and a few brown and black strands just to keep it real. But it feels good, and some how, now,...right. Or alright might be a better choice of words. Things that use to upset me...not so much anymore. Now dont get me wrong, Im still down right anal about some things and always will be Im sure. But, its really not the end of the world if someone doesnt call or text me for a few days...its actually kinda nice. (and lets face it, facebook,...need I say more ;) If someone breaks a date or changes plans...no biggie. Just please dont leave the kitchen cabinet door open or I will be on you like stink on shit. See,..told ya,..anal. Menopause...Hmmm, is it me or is it hot in here? Lets just say, I havent had a full 8 hrs sleep in 3 yrs. Though I dont miss the tampon isle. Nuff said. Im an empty nester now. Its a funny feeling. Not funny ha ha. More like a detached feeling. Maybe romanticized as floating. For 32 years Ive lived with children. Not just my own three, but countless other strays my kids seem to find and bring home almost as much as I did stray dogs. Husbands childern of which there were several. And those little lost causes I was always trying to help or counsil in some way. Gone. Grown up and moved away....now what'll I do? Yep, already did the watching tv naked thing.It reslly wasnt "All That"...(remember I am fifty after all.)Took full control of the remote. Supper? Whats that? Round these parts we eat what we want, when we want. No routine or agendas, no scheduals. Though Im still finding it difficult to cook for one. More to the point, what to do with all the left overs? Thinking its time to buy a house. You know, a place for the grandchildren to come visit me....I know, sad huh? And what happened to me about the weather?? I use to just go outside look at the sky and determine all on my own what kind of a day it was going to be. Now,..it seems Im obsessed with watching the weather report. If I remember correctly,and some times I dont, (but thats another subject) Id always had a pretty good track record and wasnt much caught out in the cold. Maybe thats another new old foggie trait Ive recently aquired. Cause ya know thats all old folks do is sit around and talk about the weather right? Memory...ah yes. That fleeting something you needed to remember but cant quite put your finger on,....so you start leaving little post it notes for yourself. Scary,..I know. And how in the hell did my feet get smaller? I think Ive shrunk and inch shorter too. I keep spouting the phrase, to my younger friends of course, "Ive got more years behind me now than in front of me" As if that some how makes me feel more "mature" but not really "old." Truer words Im sure have not been spoken, though I never thought Id ever hear myself say it. Ive come to the conclusion, now that Im an empty nester, that I can go anywhere, do anything....my work here is done. So, I spend my quiet moments, (of which there are many these days) day dreaming of a life (or whats left of it) in some beautiful remote place. Some where thats always warm, and the wine and mary jane flows freely. Oops, did I say that? They say 50 is the new 30.....Im still waiting for that to kick in. When it does, Im sure I'll get a move on. But until then, Im going to try to grow old gracefully. Slow down a little. Try to embrace the time, and even maybe just a little, rejoice in it. Single and an empty nester at 50. UGH. That almost sounds like the bad beginning to sad singles ad... But maybe not such a bad thing. I still have my health. I appear to be in high spirits and happy on most days. (Ha! Now you gotta ask yourself...is that code?) I dont have every thing I want, but for now I have just what I need. And for that I am grateful. Its time to dream,...time to plan for a future. Maybe thats sounds screwed up, but as a single mother for a formitable number of years, it was difficult to get through one day to the next without some wrench being thrown in the mix, let alone trying to plan for tomorrow....Now, Im not so much needed to wash away the daily dirt and counsil heartbroken teenagers. I dont have to worry about curfews and school books. "What do you mean you lost another house key??" Not in my vocabulary any more. For the first time in 32 years, I am alone and free. What a feeling. The world is my easel. I can paint it any color, as many colors, as I like. Dont get me wrong. Living alone with no children at first wasnt all its cracked up to be. It takes practice or you will go insane and your pets will start to hate you because you have no one else to yell at or boss around. Many nites Id catch myself looking at the front door round 10 or 10 thirty,(while watching the weather report) waiting for it to spring open and My Giant come tromping in with his big feet and booming voice. Headed to the fridge to deplete the stock. Now, Im over it and can concentrate soley on the news and weather,...(cause you know us old folks have to watch the news before bed time) I do though look forward to phone calls and texts from them. But as they grow older themselves, and become adults with children and lives of their own, theres seems to be less and less time for that as well. Not gripping. Just fact. Ive been there, and understand the complications of just simply trying to live life/succeed, when your young. I know they love me and thats good enough for me. Again, I digress.. I dont know why turning fifty has had such an impact on me, in so many quiet, and subtle ways, many I havent even begun to joke about here today. Dont get me wrong, Im not quite ready or so old as to give up the option of being called a cougar as opposed to a "sexy senior citizen" just yet, (single guys...um...with a job, please take note of that, and there are pics on my facebook) ;) (now you have to ask yourself...is she serious? OK. OK. Guys, with a job, and a car....I do have criteria ya know. But honestly,turning fifty hasnt made me feel older...Not really.Im still the same person I was at forty nine or twenty nine...I still climb trees and ride skate boards. I still believe in God and My Country, more fiercly now it feels like than ever. But something has changed...Some thing I cant put my finger on. (though that could be due in large part to that memory thing we touched on a bit back...Or, yes you guessed it...or it could be the mary jane...Ha! And once again you must ask yourself...is that code? (smirk) My point being, Im a half a century old now. ( Shit, that makes me feel like a Mian when I say that.) Getting to this age and still in one piece, mentally and physically sound, (and yes I do have documentaion proving that for you doubters) I feel is quite a feat. Especially for me, and with the life Ive led... Its a long time to have been around if ya think about it, longer if you think in dog years. Lots of experiences and hard learned lessons. Fifty, feels like a second chance, to take all the lessons and experiences Ive had and learned thru my life so far, and get to apply them to a new path, a new destination, a new time in life that will set the wheels in motion for what will last,...for the rest of my life. It some how feels good, feels right,...or,...its simply,...alright.
- ► 2009 (51)