Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Ahhh Sooo Grasshopper


A few weeks ago I'm happily tooling along at work, and my cell phone rings. I answer it and hear a young girl say in a very chipper and happy tone, "Hi!"
I said "Hi!" back. Then she says to me: "What cha doing?" Still sounding very upbeat and friendly.
I answer back; "Not much, whats up with you?" Mind you, I have no earthly idea who this young lady is, but I just thought Id take it as far as I could. She sounded young, and obviously thought she knew who she was talking to. She tells me; "Oh not much, just kickin' it here at the house" So finally, I say; "Well that sounds like fun, Who is this?"
She says, starting to sound a little indignant; "Its me dummy!"
I ask; "Me who?" Her voice gets even more agitated as she answers;
"AMBER!" So, I ask;"Amber? Amber who?" To which she then practically screams into the phone, "Your girlfriend AMBER!"
Now I'm smiling the evil mother grin, I know whats going on. So, I say; "Girlfriend? Um I'm sorry, but I don't generally cultivate girlfriends Amber, I prefer men", and I don't even know anyone named Amber. Who are you looking for?"
She then says, starting to sound a little deflated; " Um, I'm looking for Kyle?"
"Oh Hi Amber, This is Kyle's mother!"
At that point, Id thought Id lost the connection, because it all the sudden got real quiet. I said "Hello? You there?"
Silence for a few more seconds, and my new girlfriend Amber, sounding very embarrassed, finally says; "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Kyle" I explained to her that I was at work, and that Id let Kyle know she had called and he could return her call when I got home later in the day if, I told her, he wasn't to ticked at her to know she thought he sounded just like his mother! She laughed a little embarrassed and nervous laugh, and I hung up the phone chuckling, thinking to myself, now! I realize why all the sudden changes in Kyle's appearance and personal hygiene habits of late. The boys got himself a girlfriend! And here Id simply thought he was finally starting to grow up a bit. I should have know it was a girl. Boy, am I going to have fun with this! Its his first, such a tender time in a thirteen year old boys life. I didn't even know he been ogling girls, so for him to actually have a girlfriend, came as just as complete a shock to me as it was to Amber to find that kyle wasn't really hatched, but that he did in fact have a mother!
The rest of the day went by pretty quickly, as I was consumed with thinking of ways I could mess with the boys mind with my new found information.
I get home, and tell Kyle the story of my phone conversation with "our" new girlfriend Amber. He is less than impressed actually, more like horrified, that I am now privy to this new info about he and Amber. Of course, you know I cant just leave it alone, and before I hand him the phone to call her, I want details. Kyle is tight lipped and not saying a word, just looking at me with his hand out for the phone and rolling his eyes, thinking I'm sure something to the tune of like; Yea right lady.
"Oh?" I say to him, clutching the phone firmly to my chest, "You don't want to tell me, your own mother, about your new girlfriend?"
Kyle gives me a sideways smirk, and defiantly answers in his infamous one syllable retort that teenagers are so good at doing these days, "Nope". I remind him, that we aren't in the military, and there is no don't ask don't tell policy here at my house. And even if there was private Kyle, I'm still the Sergeant major around here, and so I do require some answers. Especially, if you want to use my phone to call her back!
Here's where things start to get really fun. Poor Kyle, having to grow up without the daily knowledge and guidance of his much older brother and sister. Had they been here, they could have warned him, because of their past experiences with the Sergeant Major, and told him that he may as well fess up now, because it only gets worse if you don't. Which, although good humored, I too can assure you,it certainly will. I can be relentless.
Dangling the phone in front of him like a carrot to a rabbit, I ask again, "you sure you don't want to tell me about her? What color is her hair? What color are her eyes? How tall is she? How old is she? How did you meet her? Do you hold hands at school? Does she get good grades? Is she smart? Does she ride your bus?..... Have you kissed her yet??" That's the one I got a reaction from. Kyle's eyes grew wide,like he couldn't believe what I had just asked him. He starts to get a tinge of red in his cheeks, and I now know Ive got him where I want him. He quickly rolls and drops his shoulders that were only moments ago thrown back in defiance and with a huge sigh, he proceeds to answer my questions in the order that I asked. He ticks off the answers for me, ( not in any great detail I might add) " Blond, brown, short, 13, at school, no, yes, yes, and no. Still, I'm standing there waiting for the answer to the kiss her yet question, and its my time to smirk. Hands on hips and doing the mothers toe tap thing, he starts to look very afraid that I am actually going to push him to the point of confession. He knows me, or he thinks he does, but honestly, at this point he has to admit to himself, that he really never knows just how far I will take things, and I like it that way. That's the turmoil I start to see in his eyes as he is standing there wondering if in fact I am going to pursue the answer. I let him stand there a moment more, tap tap tapping my mothers foot, arms crossed over my chest, still firmly clutching the phone. I know there is a little blond haired girl awaiting him to return her call, and so in the best interests of the relationship, I toss him the phone with a grin that tells him this isn't over yet. As he quickly starts down the hallway headed to his room, phone safely stashed in his pocket for some privacy, I stop him. No, no, no Sir E! You have to stay in here with me and talk to her. After all, it is my phone, and I am letting you use it. He stops abruptly and turns towards me from half way down the hallway, and blankly stares at me, trying to find some sign that I'm joking with him. I stand firm and stone faced. I see panic start to fill his eyes. Oh this is so much fun! I pretend to relent, and tell him "fine, you can go in your room to talk, you've got 20 minuets, and when your done,....I want details! Without a word,he quickly retreats to the privacy, and I'm sure at this point, he thinks, the only place in the house it exists, the sanity of his room.
Now, I'm not so bad as to stand outside his door and listen, but I did turn down the volume on the TV. Still even straining my ears, I couldn't hear a thing. Darn nit!
Twenty minuets goes by, and I need to remind Romeo that times up. A couple of minuets later, Kyle emerges from his room, looking all happy with himself. Well son, I hate to burst your bubble, but come sit here next to me now and tell me all about her. I say to him as I pat a place on the couch to indicate I do intend for him to come and sit right here. Ive had him since getting home from school, through the gamut of emotions, and there are very few he has left to emote, and he is now struggling with the one called exasperation! Kyle has a sense of humor all his own, and his reply was one that would make any mother proud. "No can do Mom, I'm not the kind of guy to kiss and tell!" he says smiling as he quickly turns on his heel and exits the room. Well, I could have argued that fact, seeing as he had just answered my last question from the barrage of them I had placed to him earlier, but I think for now I'll just keep letting him think that he got one over on good ole mom!
Forward to this week. Kyle and Amber are now "an item" at school, and they spend ever spare second together from what I gather. Kyle is starting to figure out very quickly, what types of demands on his time having a girlfriend is all about. Just yesterday, he complained to me that he hadn't had a chance to play basketball with the guys for weeks now! I just put my hands together, half bowed, and said,"Ahhh Grasshopper, you are learning very well!"

1 comment:

Darci's Mom said...

How very precious! You are such a stinker, but Kyle seems to know just how to handle you. And you thought you were in control! Quite a diplomat that boy! I can just see that smirk! As we all know, first loves are very special, but, alas, don't last and can be very heartbreaking. Tell Kyle that Grandma wishes him well.